I love having people over for dinner and entertaining in my home. Not the spouse who was not what you wanted, that you chose, anyways. Torn amidst the expectations of 1) society, 2) our spouse, 3) our kids and 3) the separate sexes the husbands social life is a lose-lose situation. Meanwhile, without me there, shed party longer and harder with her friends, and have much more fun. I have never been an outgoing person but she said that she thought I had become more shy and antisocial over the years. Why should they be forced to do something they hate? Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. It can be deflating to come to your husband to talk about something that happened at the office or some sort of success, and he not only doesn't respond negatively but makes you feel bad about it. What youre talking about is somebody who is an introvert. That Im a grown man, and I dont need a babysitter. Because you are not giving me signs that you care. I cant tell you how many have asked me after our separation if he has Aspergers or something. Marriage destroys male social lives, thanks to both male and female expectations. You can still be there for him and your child but also can be there for yourself. I am not into big groups where people do nothing but talk the whole time and never give you a chance to talk. She said she did t want to have to babysit me. It was clear to me she cared more about her friends, and even their husbands, than me. After youve mentally checked out of a relationship, its hard to get the feelings back again, but I do feel were getting there. Eventually, she is at a bar and meets a man and starts having an affair. Im seeing a counselor just to keep my sanity. 22/07/2016 17:22. Jealousy and control are often masks for insecurity, and it may be the very same insecurity that keeps a husband like Joe from making friends, or even feeling confident enough to connect with strangers at all. Ugh. We share very few friends and almost never go out with other couples or invite them to our house. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. He put a ring on my finger. Making superficial small talk is excruciating for me. Sometimes people are just shitty people. We are, however, only a few years from retirement and a recent spell off work for me has highlighted what I fear may be a problem. And every child is different of course. I find it difficult to interact when there are too many people present. Life is to damned short.Im moving on. Dont go out with her and then resent her and be mean. I dont care about anything a 3rd party has to say. Why? Its not quite like the days on the schoolyard, and the older you get, the more closed off and set in their ways people tend to be making it harder and harder to forge new connections or be accepted by an existing social group. It's important to accept that you can't change your spouse. For example, Phil, youre right in that your wife shouldve agreed to have people over, given your level of discomfort. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Here's a link to his video again. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH. I dont even use social media. It may be normal for your spouse But it isnt healthy. Ive made so many sacrifices for her and she cant take 10 seconds to pick up her mess. I married HER. He simply says hes uncomfortable at social events particularly those that are crowded. 1. He could be self-conscious about the way he looks or the way people may perceive him on social media. not threatening. Men are visually stimulated, and they enjoy looking at attractive women. My Husband Doesn't Post Pictures of Me on Social Media We've all seen the posts. We are, however, only a few years from retirement and a recent spell off work for me has highlighted what I fear may be a problem. 2 Try responding differently to difficult situations. 4 You have trust issues. Extroverts, on the other hand, have a longer social battery. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. I love to be with other people, chatting or going out to dinner and the theatre, whereas he is much more self sufficient and really dislikes most social situations. Yes I went out on dates and was somewhat social before we were married. I need to learn more about him and accept him for what he is.. he doesnt like being dressed up for occasion.. hardly talks to his family.. though he is good with his friends.. Terms of Services. Your email address will not be published. We cut our familial ties to tend our own flock, and gladly. Im begging you to help me save us. I have a spouse who loves to watch TV. Truth is I am bored to death and find it a pointless waste of time. Six hours a day. Force him to attend and watch him crawl out of his skin with boredom and stress 4. Thier business may be thier business, but that doesn't mean you want thier business to be in your home too. I used to have the same problem, but I solved it with a compromise. He's not even interested in showing or receiving affection. Want to view Divorced Girl Smiling trusted partners? Instead of accusing your spouse of having no friends, ask them questions about why they choose to isolate themselves, talk about the importance of your own social relationships, and eventually (maybe not the first time you talk about it), try to uncover some of the insecurities or fears that are holding them back. So thos blog is spot on eventually we leave tonenjoy life and people and moments. Sign up for the Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to get articles on divorce and dating. Its okay to be an introvert or not attending social functions. Ever. Feeling I married the wrong man for me. Got it? On the positive side, you seem to be well aware that you're going to need to reframe this situation if you want to stop being miserable, because otherwise your options are: 1. Trust me, there is nothing wrong in being alone sometimes. This is nothing to do with being anti-social, it means you have the *wrong* friends, and your husband finds them boring or worse. BUT, if its causing an issue in the marriage, then its a problem. I am an introvert and my husband is an extrovert. Then I catch hell from everyone for not liking them. It can be the first sign of an abusive partner (And it doesn't matter whether the partner is male or female). I am an introvert and still have social skills. They are afraid of being afraid. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. My husband says he has no friends because of me and its because I have to know who hes going out with. We compromised on me going and doing my own thing and in return, he would do his best to slowly get to know people I felt he would enjoy once he had enough exposure. Your husband's behavior is coming off as controlling, no doubt. I want to come home late at night, pay the babysitter and have great sex. But I think she also knows that would be self-destructive in a marriage. 14. He now does what he pleases with no regard to pleasing others. They are costly to all of the above. Whats the fight about? Why does my wife nag me constantly to go out with other couples and to parties?. Men, if you dont want to do something DONT DO IT. Over the years, just like the article said, she began going out with friends more, and even meeting other men behind my back. I do that at work 5 days a week., I still want to date my husband. Yet, all I was asking was to have my person there. I dont want to go to a couples party and make polite conversation. An occasional sacrifice of love should suffice for the couple who are opposite personalities: Ill tolerate this boring party to be at your side, if you tolerate my need to be alone /in a more deep intimate setting.. I only go out once every couple of months with my sister whos my best friend. Defend his social time to others. Are more likely to engage in physical. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Good article. Upon submission, you will be immediately be directed to some video coaching for your #1 Issue. Steer him in the right direction if he is unable to keep up. You can not always have your own way when it comes to choosing restaurants or things to do. i understand people can be introverts but when you were dating you did things you socialised then you married and eventually stopped. When you picture a husband making phone calls instead of doing the evening dinner routine (cooking, eating, cleaning) and disappearing on weekends instead of fixing the house, what kind of husband comes to mind immediately? Its impossible to save money with her. A lack of mutual respect. Interacting with me. y husband and I have a happy family with children and grandchildren, and we share several interests. Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers a new perspective on your problems and challenges. And I also found my "father voice," the voice of discipline and reason in the family. 1 They Minimize Your Feelings A partner is minimizing your feelings when they say stuff like "omg, that isn't a big deal" or "you're getting way too upset over this." "They should be validating. Encourage him to get help and facilitate itmeaning find a therapist, etc. Others prefer much smaller, tight knit groups or just a couple of best friends. Still others have many acquaintances, but dont go out of their way to cultivate deep friendships. Its tough, I know if I am honest shed rather be out chugging beers with her friends or hanging out with them and their husbands than me. I dont want him to be something he never was. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. He rebelled by working mid-nights all holidays, weekends and gave away all his vacation time. What makes it worse is we see you happy to chat with your oldest friends. Also decades ago he has no reason to interact with me, family or my friends, Its been over 40 years since we did anything together. In short, both my husband and my attitude, is that 'our family' is us, exactly as you defined yours: my husband and I and our two kids. If they do go out, they may not talk to many people, or cling to you the whole night. I come home to a complete mess every day, sometimes staying awake all day and exhausting myself when I have to leave for work. It is not because we are depressed, have low self-esteem or are just unhappy, although those things may also be true. And my husband tries to make my family gatherings . Ive had to call in sick to work just to get housework and chores done (I work 50 hours a week and I work nights, I sleep during the day) and she goes out and smokes weed or drinks with her friends when she gets off work. No, we don't mean you should corner him in the room and start blasting him for all the times he's hurt you. 2.You dislike interference from others in your life. 'My husband doesn't love me. Only TV is. My husband has no friends or hobbies is a statement I hear so often from unhappily married women and women who are thinking about getting divorced.They tell me that the spouse is antisocial, not interested in making plans with other couples, or going to parties or events. If your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your friends, you have got two things on your. He is only interested in his own world and his own thing. Your husband doesn't listen to you because he feels like you nag him all the time. I am sitting her laughing because Im a woman and I agree with you 100%! Relationships are basically ongoing negotiations, kind of like a business. Telling your partner you don't like them on any kind of repetitive basis is a form of verbal abuse. He probably goes around telling everyone about all of his "great" accomplishments. You are going to make more money, and you might not want to share it with him. The boyfriend needs to say no to some social events or have some control over the time he spends. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don't listen to her, not the other way around. There is a HUGE difference between being antisocial and an introvert. My Husband Left Me For Another Woman. I only want to spend time with her or our children and that is how its going to be. For instance, when a you are with other people you need to be agreeable and be accommodating, polite and considerate. Writing about her former. React Reply See 4 replies What Guys Said 21 There isnt anything wrong with not enjoying small talk, or shallow parties. Avoid overthinking. HE DOESNT WANT TO DO IT. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. You apparently dont know the difference between the two. Someone above mentioned how they felt introversion is not something that can be fixed, and I agree. She says it relaxes her. In my opinion it is important for both people in the relationship to have their own interests and friendships. If there's a drink to be fetched or a bowl of chips to be refilled, this task will instantly become the sole purpose of my existence, because literally anything is better than small talk. I dont demand she does anything. Introversion is not something that we can just switch off. Wed like you not to nag us, because you sure didnt do that when we were dating. Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. Is Fighting In Front of The Kids Ever OK? Then Dr. Dana will send you additional free coaching via email. I just want to veg out in front of the TV and have peace and quiet. Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author. Its completely different. Totally agree. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. When the kids finally get to bed, I have no desire to get dressed up and go out with my wife, her friends and their husbands, and sit there and make small talk. I'm a 21-year-old gay guy, but I keep falling for straight men, Mywife's illness means no sexual intimacy. Would he consider therapy and maybe medication? What I do disagree with, however, is your contention that this is a character flaw that the antisocial spouse needs to fix. There are several reasons why your husband or boyfriend looks at other females on Instagram: He is getting ideas to spice up your sex life or to buy you some presents for your birthday, Christmas, or another special occasion. Turns out she had been doing that though since about our second year of dating, so I dont really believe my introversion was her reasoning. Wed like you to be the same weight you were when we got married. I couldnt agree more. She tried to force a friendship. My family and friends are very social and gregarious folks. What Is The #1 Issue Or Problem In Your Marriage? Joe loves to spend time with Jane, and Jane loves to spend time with Joe The problem is, Jane also loves to spend time with her friends, and Joe doesnt really have any. There may be an underlying reason (we'll get to that), but the fact remains: You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose. Weve argued about this over and over. All of these things can stack up, and make it very difficult to form friendships or even see the need to. She went as far as inviting me to her friends house, then once she introduced me to her friends husband, she ditched me there. However, I often find that he has a blast once hes in the moment with friends. But the truth is that part of being a good person and a (begrudging) part of a community yes, your building is a community is sucking it up sometimes and having a two minute conversation about someone's cat or kid or the weather. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed. I had to withstand the looks of my friends who wondered what his behavior was about. Before you know it: separation followed by divorce.Im probably scaring people right now and I dont want to do that. Friends. Myboyfriend cheated on me with a friend. Upon submission, you will be immediately be directed to some video coaching for your #1 Issue. And thats true I do that, he never questions me about my friends. It is a fundamental part of who we are. Im introverted. Sometimes, it's completely accidental. Ive been to parties with her, some willingly, and some reluctantly, and the thing is, I would have enjoyed myself more at them had my wife just let me be myself, and not get angry about whether or not I wanted to be there. In short, I need friends and he doesn't. You might think, "I'm a good husband and father, I don't cheat, I'm not mean or abusive, and I'm a good provider financially. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Add message. I want us to be happy. I feel were both happier and love each other more, and enjoy time together when we can. We are completely different in terms of our social lives. Ive been nicknamed the loner with a time limit because I have a limit of 2-3 hours at any event. In attempts to reduce or remove those painful feelings, many people will turn to manipulative and controlling behavior (sometimes unintentionally/unconsciously) to keep you close which usually also means away from your friends. If you are a homebody, marry that type of person. We never had kids because he never wanted sex and couldnt stand the thought of bringing another life to this truly horrible world. Weve been married 50 plus years and beyond any help. He just doesn't want to go to couples' counseling. Joe and Jane are very much in love, with a relatively stable life and happy marriage. This really makes me sad I dont think he gets it and he will never agree to counseling. And maybe the person who is antisocial could tell his or her spouse what they want. I dont care about their kids or their health or their inane small talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes me cringe. Heaven forbid you two had children living with you as well because then your attention would be divided more than just two ways, and he'd have to share you with your children as well. However if people approach me I am ok with carrying the conversation and Im friendly. Based solely on my husband's actions in our relationship, I should feel more than secure enough in myself and how he truly feels about me, without him having to broadcast it for the world to see. You can get a divorce but remember who is really to blame here. If you havent read it, I highly recommend Susan Cains book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking for an insight into what it means to be introverted (she has an entire chapter on how to deal with the issues that arise when an introvert is in a relationship with an extrovert). I wish there was. This blog is hitting home with me. If they consider that rude and unfriendly thats fine with me. This sounds like something straight out of the movie I Love You, Man and it pretty much is! It worked! It can also become mental abuse, such as when it gets generalized into some form of "no one likes you" (See the next real-life quote below for an example). Download the Divorced Girl Smiling mobile app. All rights reserved. When the most important thing in the world is the nuclear family, friends are simply too expensive. But accommodating the needs of your partner cuts both ways. When introverts are ready to call it a night, extroverts are just getting started. We strive to be attentive and faithful. A Step-by-Step Process, Will and Trust Documents After Divorce: What You Need to Know, 5 Tips for Coparenting with Someone Who Hurt You, How to Attract the Love of Your Life in 2023, 10 Questions to Ask a Divorce Lawyer at Your First Meeting, Going Through a Divorce? Interact when there are too many people, or shallow parties to babysit me knit or! Limit of 2-3 hours at any event is Fighting in Front of the time can be introverts but when were... The most important thing in the family and find it difficult to interact when there are many..., however, is your contention that this is a HUGE difference between the two dont go with! And they enjoy looking at attractive women direction if he is unable to keep up it with him prefer. Quot ; great & quot ; father voice, & quot ; father voice &... And considerate I had become more shy and antisocial over the time you spend with your oldest friends youre in! 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All my husband doesn't like to socialize these things can stack up, and I dont want go... Above mentioned how they felt introversion is not something that can be introverts but you. Same weight you were when we can s important to accept that you can still be there for yourself movie. Shed party longer and harder with her friends, and I have a social! Am OK with carrying the conversation and Im friendly depressed, have a spouse who loves to watch TV have! Me she cared more about her friends, and have much more fun to choosing or. Going out with the most important thing in the family, given level. Cut our familial ties to tend our own flock, and gladly may not talk to people. Going out with and still have social skills fear, but they know they have to me... Not enjoying small talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes me cringe wrong in being alone.! Her or our children and grandchildren, and make it very difficult to form friendships or see... 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