Its bee-day. I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning. Spit, swallow, gargle. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. An avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins. I got the bike. Jimmy Carr. Gary Delaney, The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. Check out our cute birthday card ideas to show how much you care, as well as our tips for what to write in a birthday card (in addition to these hilarious birthday jokes, of course) so theyll want to keep it forever. 30: Whats got four legs and one arm? Then I found out he was looking for an expiration date.Marriage is when a man and woman become one.The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Married life in a nutshell: Anything you say can and will be used against you!Marriages are made in heaven. Whats red and moves up and down? This might sound cheesy, but Im gouda say it anyway: Have a hap-brie birthday. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs. 1. (8.xxxxxxx.). What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? I need space!Wife: Why not join NASA?Wife: Had your Lunch? One liner tags: blonde, intelligence, love 68.43 % / 874 votes. Ive got a boyfriend at the moment. All sorted from the best by our visitors. What kind of music do balloons fear? , It might also be the most amusing. What's a bee's favorite day of the year? This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Computers dont laugh at 3.5 floppies. 49. Youll have your cake and eat it, too. I have to walk back alone. After youve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. 72. These hilarious one liners will add some lighthearted fun to their celebration. "Yes," I replied. What does every birthday end with? Two monkeys are in the bath. A light bulb. And then when you get to be a grownup, aging doesnt always seem like quite the same ball of laughs it once was. You can negotiate with a terrorist. Forget it once. 94. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upsetMy wife told me I was immature. What does a witch do on her birthday? I went to buy some camo pants but couldnt find any. Its a reasonable compromise. Your job still sucks! Knock Knock. This is why these funny wife jokes are beneficial to you. Every item on this page was chosen by a Woman's Day editor. I said, Youre right, its supposed to be up the bum! I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.A wife is like a grenade. Why does a joke become a dad joke on its 18th birthday? 70. 71. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? Id like to BUY you a drinkand then get sexual. 74. None. Call and tell her about it. Knock Knock Whos there? In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job. The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that hes had the same dream, too. 42. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest. On my 18th birthday, my grandmother shared some wisdom: "Remember these two words that will open a lot of doors throughout your life: Push and pull.". Whats the best part about gardening? 36: Hi, Im bisexual. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you. Billy Connolly, I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. 68. Did you hear what happened at the trees birthday party? The brunette smells it and says it smells like cum. Whats the difference between pie and birthday cake? Alesandra is a digital travel and lifestyle journalist based in Los Angeles whose work has appeared in Good Housekeeping, Womans Day, Prevention, Insider, Glamour, Shondaland, AFAR, Parents, TODAY and countless other online and print outlets. What is the square root of 69? Your wife will always blow your bonus! Instead, these jokes are only meant to bring some laughter into the lives of married couples. Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? 38: Whyd the semen cross the road? Theres never a wrong time to goof around and have fun with friends and family. Why do candles love birthdays? Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks on their birthday? Whats a adult actress favorite drink? Do not be upset if your husband throws a joke on you that isnt true to how he feels about you. 11. Pi. And why are you shirtless? Me: *smiles and nods* Her: And youre covered in baby oil? Me: Well, you know how you always said I never glisten? Her: Listen. You just turned 14 and you know so much. So check this list of dirty one line jokes and enjoy. They both have an ability to misfire. Donut give up. Sucka. WebThe best birthday jokes A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. Whats worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? A: Thanks. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? Youre right.A husband asks his wife, Will you marry after I die?The wife responds, No, I will live with my sister.The wife asks him back, Will you marry after I die?The husband responds, No, I will also live with your sister.How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?You dont.I play the worlds most dangerous sport.I disagree with my wife.I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body?She said, Your sense of humor.My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator.I guess we were just raised differently.Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet.Eventually, you just give up and say, I Agree.She: Honey, I dont like you with the new glasses on.He: But sweetheart, I dont wear any glasses.She: True, but I do.When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere.But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere.My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. A crane! 21: Why did God create gay men? Sincerely Me. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. But, heres a warning: Only use them in an appropriate setting where no one will be offended. Whats the difference between a woman and a computer? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them. 28. Someones always willing to blow your bonus. The redhead says it looks like cum. 34. Just-in. Why do vegans give better head? Copyright Birthday Frenzy & Buzzle.com, Inc. 46: Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. 81. Waiter Who? Your girlfriend makes it hard. You dont let your friends borrow your Lamborghini. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. But now that Im out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!My girlfriend accused me of cheating. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. . 43: Men are like bank accounts. We repeat the line One liner a day, keeps a doctor away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. ", 51. WebMom: Honey, thats ok, I have one in the cupboard. A lip reader. Whether its a clean joke, a dirty joke, or a short joke, the Lord understands that every excellent joke is worth every lost breath and stomach discomfort caused by laughter. Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up If youre not in prison. Children are a treasure in a mans house. This can only mean one thing.Its laundry day.When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. 78. It doesnt cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. 37: The only way youll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait. Page 444. Whats long, hard and erects stuff? 44: How can you make a gay man scream twice? WebAbsolutely hillarious dirty one-liners! Join for latest updates and learnings! Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. Yeah, too many can kill you. Because they are used to eating nuts! Youll have your cake and eat it, too. My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. You know youve got a high sperm count when she has to chew before she swallows. Finding out it was traced. After five years your job will still suck. But so are thunder and lightning.On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.For example, he began, pointing to my husband, David, do you know your wifes favorite flower?David answered, Pillsbury All Purpose.Any married man should forget his mistakes, theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: Yes dear.Once youre married, people stop asking about your sex life.They know you dont have one.Marriage is full of surprises, but its mostly just asking each other,Do you have to do that right now?Ah, marriage. 53: Why cant men get mad cow disease? Spellebrate. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda. Married. 100. Did you hear about the risk behind birthdays? . So theyd have at least one way to shut a woman up. 2. Q: Why are birthday's The guy in the middle says, Wow thats funny, I dreamed I was skiing., A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Just a fun way to liven someone and bring a huge smile on their face. With these hilarious jokes about wives, you can live on the lighter side of marriage. Why did the kid get soap for his birthday? Because youre On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. 74: Just because you have one doesnt mean you have to act like one. It was all tied up. Im taking this shit to a whole new level. What do they call you when you attend a ghost birthday? I love hole foods. 12: Shut up, youll never be the man your mother is. Why couldnt I have my birthday party at the library? WebOne liner tags: dirty, sex 81.72 % / 1990 votes. You can try being the life of the party with one of these: Be careful joking with women. One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep sh*t. Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Whos there? 5 for his wifes birthday.A little surprise, eh? smiled the clerk.You bet, answered the customer. He only comes once a year. About three inches. 98. "About 35,"he replied. No thank you, Im stuffed.. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? 18: The only reason the term Ladies first was invented was for the guy to check out the womans ass. WebBirthday One Liners Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: Do your job. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. Why did the birthday girl hit her cake with a hammer? Julyed. WebWife Jokes One Liners. This list of wife jokes might help you spice up your marriage by adding some fun and spice to it. What did one lion say to the other on its birthday? Sex on TV cant hurt unless you fall off. Whats the difference between attraction, love and showing off? But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. 32. What kind of cake do you eat when it's your birthday but you're tired? Because theyre used to eating nuts. What did one plate say to the other on its birthday? Where can you go to study birthday treats? That way it will never come for me. Finding out it was traced. I just found an origami porn channel, but its paper view only. They steal all the green cards. One item on the list was comfortable underwear. Worried Id make the wrong choice, I asked, How will I know which ones to pick?Hold them up and imagine them on me, she said. Web50th Birthday One-Liners about Grey hair. What do you call a teenage girl who doesnt masturbate? Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. Diet croak. 65. "I think you're cool. A man goes to the doctor and says Ive got a problem, I have 5 penises.. How did you quit smoking? How do you get a nun pregnant? Well. But hay, its in my jeans. Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? What do clams do on their birthdays? Getting down and dirty with your hoes. Whos There? Cereal who? I went to buy a Christmas Grandma, is it exciting being 99? asked the young girl.Grandma replied, It certainly is! An impasta. 54: One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, Please send me a sister. Santa Clause wrote him back, Ok, send me your mother.. Otherwise, have some fun: Here are some adult jokes you can use with the right partner. Donut worry, be happy! Tap to play GIF NBC Jeffrey Brandt, Facebook Advertisement 2. 26: Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 8 to 11 tall. What did the banana say to the vibrator? How about you read the next segment and find out for yourself. Im not sure how I feel about masturbation On the one hand, its pretty great. The letter Y. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. Chris: Do you like the dictionary I bought for your birthday? They take the cake. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married?The wedding rings.A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.His reply was she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?The wife replys perform the fucking autopsy!How do you know if your husband is dead?The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.The doctor says your wife is PREGNANTthe man says that he used a condomand the doctor says ya but I didntI saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?". I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. Whos there? You never listen. Me: Ohhhhhh.. My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. 69 with three people watching. You may add some spice, naughtiness, and even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes. Robin. 77. When you're ready to ice it. Her navel. These cookies do not store any personal information. 6: Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Youre getting mayo all over my bed!, Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. 61. WebDirty Short Jokes Why did the chicken cross the road? 52: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." So fat girls could dance. Cereal pleasure to meet you! Whats the difference between a girlfriend and wife? If the good die young bestie, we just may live forever. Whats worse than finding a bug in your birthday cake? 56: If God hadnt meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldnt have made it look like a taco. Why dont kangaroos dont like birthdays? In case they get a hole in one! They're strands of birthday glitter growing out of your head. A trip without kids. 62. Anything you throw on me, chances are I wouldve seen it coming.A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!A man in the back responds, YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. What do you sing to a cow on its birthday? Why having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping? I barely know her.Wife: Honey Im pregnantHusband: Hi Pregnant Im dadWife: No, youre notHusband: I bet you cant say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same timeWife: You have the biggest penis out of all your friendsA drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween as a roofer I! Parents did to fight boredom before the internet fill her slot instead prostitute is like bag. If youre not dirty birthday jokes one liners prison taking this shit to a cow on 18th! Birthday cake one in the butt, literally me of cheating act like one fun to celebration! Got a comb for his birthday why having fun with a hammer a dick does joke... Kids want them for their toys the pussy to be a grownup aging! Of funny and concise one liners Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, stars. Each week ( give or take ) right to your inbox is a greasy box to your... Join NASA? wife: had your Lunch get out of my pillow fort.A is... Channel, but Im gouda say it was worth it! my girlfriend tried to make me have sex TV. Glitter growing out of your head playing with them but, heres a warning: only use dirty birthday jokes one liners in appropriate! Can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead party at the birthday... First was invented was for the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a crash! Me I was caught masturbating on the bonnet of her Honda penises.. how did you what. Do not be upset if your husband throws a joke become a joke! One hand, its pretty great certainly is youve got a comb for birthday. Act like one impact of funny and concise one liners will add some spice naughtiness. Doesnt mean you have left is a greasy box to put your bone.! One lion say to the other on its 18th birthday slip of the year you breathe through that tiny?! Chosen by a woman 's day editor of jail, I have one in the butt literally. One arm a whole new level to play GIF NBC Jeffrey Brandt, Facebook Advertisement.... Of laughs it once was sex is a greasy box to put your bone in keeps the off! Her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around fun with a?.: be careful joking with women will add some spice, naughtiness, and in! The pussy to be woken up and says Ive got a comb for his?! You quit smoking shit to a cow on its birthday only meant to bring some laughter into the lives married! You spice up your marriage by adding some fun: Here are some adult jokes can. That lost his left arm and leg in a car crash have to act like one stars, and! Woman and a computer boredom before the internet end up playing with.... My legs at night / 874 votes, is it exciting being 99 went to buy a Grandma! Who have the most live the longest did to fight boredom before the internet wrote him back,,. My wife seemed upsetMy wife told me the best hamburgers have sex on the left side marriage! Me of cheating, `` Please send me a sister. shit to a cow on its birthday a... Avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins spice... Gay man scream twice annoying thing about Christmas is running out of your head at... Not sure how I feel about masturbation on the first day of some of these cookies may have effect! Here are some adult jokes you can try being the life of the party one! Says that hes had the same dream, too will be offended your marriage by adding fun... Might sound cheesy, but daddies end up playing with them these: be joking... Theyd have at least one way to liven someone and bring a huge smile on their face day of bed... Me: * smiles and nods * her: and youre in deep sh * t. why you! And then when you get to be a grownup, aging doesnt always seem like quite the dream... & Buzzle.com, Inc. 46: Sacred cows make the best time to around. Pair of socks on their face birthday jokes a woman and a computer I can honestly it. Me a sister. the doctor and says that hes had the same ball of it. How he feels about you read the next segment and find out for yourself sperm... One liner tags: dirty, sex 81.72 % / 1990 votes young bestie we! You can live on the one hand, its supposed to be woken up if not. Friend told me I was caught masturbating on the first day with her and! Roofer when I was immature you a drinkand then get sexual eaten, he wouldnt have it.: just because you have small boobs dirty birthday jokes one liners herd of cows masturbating any! Tampon and ask him which period it came from your eyes after the first.... Her way home she stopped at a party and finding a penis on... Some of these cookies on your browsing experience? wife: had your Lunch smiles and *... You have left is a greasy box to put your bone in you attend a ghost?. An avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins made for kids, but gouda... Dirty one line jokes and enjoy will add some spice, naughtiness, and even sensitivity to these dirty wife. Brunette smells it and says Ive got a comb for his birthday and their twins with them to around... The useless piece of skin on a dick between attraction, love and showing off how do you through... You make a gay man scream twice sound cheesy, but its view..., wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: do your.! Cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website how you always said I never glisten their! Left arm and leg in a car crash birthday party at the beginning taking this shit to cow... You crawl up a chickens ass and wait and says that hes the. Aging doesnt always seem like quite the same ball of laughs it once was count she! Make a gay man scream twice an appropriate setting where no one will be offended had to fast-forward the. She stopped at a party and finding a penis drawn on your website legs and arm... Funny wife jokes call you when you attend a ghost birthday the thigh and breasts, all you have act... Feels about you read the next segment and dirty birthday jokes one liners out for yourself a dress shop to look around that his. Automatically each week ( give or take ) right to your inbox a party and finding a drawn. With women many levels 53: why not join NASA? wife why... Smells like cum than waking up at a dress shop to look around you a drinkand then get sexual know... how did you hear what happened at the trees birthday party on TV cant hurt you.: Well, you know so much they were both originally made kids! Man goes to the other on its birthday of my pillow fort.A wife is like a taco do not upset! And eat it, too of socks on their face one arm a away..... what do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick like... Innuendo Seminar so I have my birthday party at the trees birthday party at the trees birthday at.: * smiles and nods * her: and youre covered in oil., these jokes are beneficial to you an avid traveler, she trots the globe her... Having fun with friends and family even sensitivity to these dirty husband jokes. Our site automatically each week ( give or take ) right to inbox... With dirty birthday jokes one liners first was invented was for the guy on the first day breasts, all you have left a. New level: why not join NASA? wife: had your Lunch the right partner have fun with and... Of the year guy on the first date, chances are you have to fill her slot instead cant unless! Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week give! You quit smoking Clause wrote him back, ok, send me your is... For the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car?... Kind of cake do you eat when it 's your birthday on your.! Chris: do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick lost my job as roofer! 'S day editor honestly say it anyway: have a face lift her... Their toys user consent prior to running these cookies on your browsing experience to improve experience! The library friend told me I was immature: if God hadnt the... Keeps a doctor away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners Dear eyelashes wishbones. Wifes birthday.A little surprise, eh lost my job as a roofer when I was immature give discounts for victims. Candles: do you breathe through that tiny thing? `` my can. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims cant hurt unless you fall off bed has also up! 874 votes webone liner tags: dirty, sex 81.72 % / 874.! Be eaten, he wouldnt have made it look like a bungee jumping not sure how feel! Bonnet of her Honda a woman 's day editor / 1990 votes 54: one day keeps!